home » Son and Foe Magazine » Issue Three » First Draft Theater Presents: Raiders of the Lost Ark

 

First Draft Theater Presents: Raiders of the Lost Ark

EXT: ALTAR: NIGHT

Nazis carry the Ark to an alter while INDY and MARION watch, tied to a post about a hundred feet away. The Nazis have a whole bunch of lights and cameras and stuff set up to record everything.

FRENCH JERK approaches the ark, wearing robes and junk like a sorcerer or something. He starts chanting bible stuff. BOSS NAZI and EVIL WEASEL NAZI look on.

The Ark starts buzzing. FRENCH JERK approaches, and it starts to glow with a pretty blue light. All of a sudden, sparks start shooting off the Ark! They fry the crap out of the lights, the cameras, everything!

Everybody stops and stares at the Ark, which is still buzzing but no longer shooting lightning. FRENCH JERK takes a few steps and, when nothing bad happens, walks all the way up to it.

FRENCH JERK opens the lid. He looks inside, but we can’t see the inside–just his face. He’s all happy and stuff, but then his smile turns upside-down because all of a sudden…

BANG!!! The lid of the Ark comes flying off as BEES roar out of it! Millions and millions of THE HOLY BEES OF JEHOVAH! And they’re angry! And they don’t like Nazis!

They sting FRENCH JERK so much his head explodes. They sting BOSS NAZI and EVIL WEASEL NAZI until their faces melt off, which happens with certain kinds of bee allergies, and everybody is allergic to Holy Bees of Jehovah. They just sting the bejesus out of all the other Nazis, who are running around shooting their guns and screaming “His terrible swift bees! Our guns are useless!”

When all the Nazis are dead, the Holy Bees of Jehovah form one big swarm, swirl around a bit, and then dive back into the Ark. The lid gets sucked into their air by their enormous bee vortex, then slams back onto the Ark behind them.

INDY and MARION watch all this, horrorstruck, from the hilltop, but they’re all right; everybody knows THE HOLY BEES OF JEHOVAH won’t sting you if your heart is pure.